Seven Eleven...

As I logged on to the CNN website to check the latest news… I was faced with a shocking news report… the same that is addressed by the site as “Top stories” and after reading thru and realizing the significance of the blasts… I could only wish that this was yet another story that was made up by the media…

Mumbai seems to be everyone’s favorites… from the rain-gods making it their very own super bowl, to the sainiks on a rampage, to the blasts… and yet the beauty of the city is that it endures all of it and keeps the grief within… it never lets its anger on the people who have caused it so much harm… how it is able to do it, unfailingly each time, is a miracle in itself.

I have seen the news over and over again and I come to realize this… the reporters and the policemen who were constantly interviewing the victims did not even bother to get them to the hospital they felt it was their prime duty to bring the victims pain and suffering to the world that was watching with agony, for them it was yet another prime time slot that would boost their viewer TRP to the top, and while all of this was in progress it was the common man (in R.K.Laxmans term) who instead of being a mute onlooker this time actually came forward and helped the wounded to the hospital, and fed the stranded.

This is the beauty of this city, be it doused by rain or sainiks or a thousand bombs… the spirit lives on…

Here’s to Mumbai, here's to the city where no one sleeps hungry, where everyone is cared for, where the unfathomable spirit still survives in the heart of the people and where humanity comes ahead of family…WELL ahead of it.

My first blog driven by impulse.

Uncle Sam... De"classy"fied

Ever since the day I moved into US of A, I wanted to write an article on it, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about. I penned down (Typed actually) snippets on a variety that I thought would make a good read… what u see below are collection of such snippets which I guess would be more than enuff to help me relive this 6 week long ordeal.

At first I thought that history might make a good writing, every place/thing/person/country has one and I would be sure to pen down something interesting about this place to share with my friends, I opened up google... did an extensive research on US ancient history beginning from Columbus discovering the country by an accident (boy… was he a high school dropout…) to George W bush winning elections by one, and during the data collection process I suddenly remembered that as a kid (everyone was one… I still am) I used to detest it, Mugging up dates used to induce abnormal BCL in me and my… did I have wet dreams…

K-gyan: BCL an acronym for Bladder Control Loss is more frequently seen in pregnant women, (since I was neither a women (then or now) and nor was I pregnant (then or now) its prefixed with the adjective abnormal) which causes uncontrolled micturition even on a bladder that is filled only upto 10 % of its capacity.
K-gyan continued: Wet Dreams: As opposed to the original meaning and the sense that this is to convey, the usage in the passage (ooh.. I made it rhyme) just means that I used to have historical nightmares causing me to wet the bed…

Reality Check: Over the years, I tried a lot of pelvic exercises to help me control my abnormal BCL…when none worked…finally gave up history and took up to sciences.

So that was it… I am not going to write about Uncle Sam’s history any more…

After History I tried geography…

Geographically America consists of 2 Major Parts (continents actually) North America or the United States (as they are commonly referred) (and Canada… damn those Canadians… they wouldn’t allow me to post the blog if I don’t include them here… plus they gave me free beer) and South America (or the not-so-united-states as they are uncommonly referred). All general land forms ranging from mountain ranges… to hills to plains could be found in this country…

Holy god… this is bland… I don’t wish to destroy the geography of my blog… so I guess… geography’s “History”.

I still kept pondering about what I did find extraordinarily impressive in this country… to help me focus… I turned on to their civic way of life…

America is a pedestrian loving country… simply put… “it cannot be made more simpler”. This is a country where everyone loves a pedestrian be it day or night… and they actually derive happiness out of it.

K-gyan: Pedestrian: A person who walks in a country dominated by people who drive.

Let me fill you up. A pedestrian in US is generally conceived as an “Alien”, that’s the local verbiage that they as a substitute for “foreigner”, who is too poor to rent a car and has a huuuuuuge family of a thousand kids to support. So if a pedestrian is standing at a sidewalk during the day, waiting to cross the road chances are 50 out of a 100 cars would stop and let him cross, the 50 that did not stop are presumably being driven by ABCD’s.

K-gyan: ABCD’s American Born Confused Desis…. During the early 90’s When the software industry was at its nascent stage and outsourcing had not gained momentum, the first clutch of highly conservative Indian Pulsers (definitely male) alighted ground to a highly Open cultured country where women actually wooed da men… the highly conservative faltered in their urge to remain software engineers and converted to farmers and “sowed their seeds”, and returned back to India to resume their lives… the harvested crops are “Grown in America” but what’s confusing is the identity of the planter.

A similar civility is meted out to an Alien at a cross road at night , except if he is in downtown the civility is prefixed by “un-” and he never crosses the road to the side that he actually wanted to.

Life in downtown is really portrayed as being “BAD”. Aliens are advised not to venture out of the houses after dark as the African Americans “blend in” after the wee hours and pounce upon you unknowingly, hump you and if u r really unlucky…even rob u…

I never had the guts to try validating the legitimacy of the above, so took it by the book and that covers the civic life of the Americans, well at least to the extent we “Aliens” are affected.

Economics is the next topic of discussion, but I never felt comfortable discussing numbers, they caused me a lot of pain when I was a kid… and the worst of it all, they were everywhere… in fact they still are…. That makes me Arithmophobic, so there goes economics.

Reality Check: Some people may find me exaggerating in the passage above, and may even challenge me with proofs… to them... I have a message… and that is “I am constipated” which is a subtle way to say “I don’t give a shit”.

The life here moves at a much faster pace than it does back in my country.

The locals here are in an ever increasing state of acceleration to reach work before time and to leave before time, why they have fixed the works hours such… I really don’t know. Why would a sane person reach an office (that begins its official hours at 10:00 am) at 9:00 am and leave it at 6:00 pm (when it officially closes at 7:00 pm). I really don’t get it, either ways they end up doing the same amount of work, now extrapolate the person to the entire company, and you would see the larger picture, we have a company that says it works from 10:00 to 7:00 but it actually opens its doors at 9:00 and shuts them at 6:00. Every one is aware of it, but no one bothers to change the timing as the lead lag would still exist. (That was crap)

Hygiene wise, they fit in ok… only thing that I cannot come close to accepting is wiping your rear instead of washing it. I don’t understand the concept… either they don’t have white colored “unmentionables” here or Laundry is cheap. Also I would like make a mention of a point that was put forward by my friend, the toilet papers that they use here are manufactured else where and imported … that way we lose the trees to keep their ass clean, now that’s what I call as plain unacceptable.

During the course of my stay here, the issue that bothered me the most was the availability of Vegetarian food. There is not even a single restaurant (at least to my knowledge) that serves good, unadulterated vegetarian food (by unadulterated I mean eggless and kosher).

I used to survive on foot long Subs (Subs: Acro for Subway Sandwiches) and that too the same kind, for variety I used to experiment with sauces… but that’s the max variety u could get here… I knew I was eating too much raw vegetables when I found out my ability to produce food using sunlight… I had chlorophyll in my blood.

K-gyan: Scientists would presumably argue on the point above that it’s not sufficient for the chlorophyll to be in the blood, it should be present in the epidermis… the sentences following are applicable only to them…(if you don’t fit in the category please don’t read further…) “My Blog” and “I am constipated”.

Reality Check: I now cook.

The entertainment industry is really thriving in US and comes in close second to Corruption. The people here consider entertainment their right to life and are also broad minded about it, so you see Clubs that discount decency for its performers and Ones exclusively for village people (how this is came to be a metaphor… I don’t really know) springing up and thriving at every corner. I guess the reason why people visit the same instead of watching TV with the family is that the club membership is cheaper than local cable subscription, plus there is a sense of unpredictability involved in the former.

Reality Check: Cable seems to be free in the place I stay…

People seem to have 2 different opinions when it comes to the Health of an average American, and both the opinions are correct in their frame of reference.

The first case is that of a classical obese American, the driving factors resulting to this category of American are:

1. Middle class livelihood
2. Independence
3. Lack of knowledge to cook accentuated with proximity to cheap junk food outlets.
4. Zero night life and
5. Free cable ( Now u know what my neighborhood is like)

And the second is that of a Health freak American, the driving factors of which are:

1. More money than required (Do you have a faintest idea how expensive is a single serving of health food... and how many such servings are required for satisfying hunger?)
2. Willingness to spend (That takes care of obese mafias)
3. Have it flaunt it…. / don’t have it … get it… flaunt it…. Attitude.

An average adult in both the category of Americans weigh the same, only difference is that In the former the paunch contributes to the major body weight and in the latter the biceps and calves.

Finally I would like to quote a sentence that I borrowed from a book....

“If all Americans are laid end to end….I wouldn’t be surprised”

That wraps it all up with a take on the morality.

How to score with Women.... in a lighter vein..

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system: numbers in bracket indicate the points………..

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Rita (-4)
Rita is a dancer (-6)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-50000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawa iian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned __expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have???

--Courtesy.... Mail forwards.... dont know who to give the credit to....